Happiness Handbook

Stay close!  The book, “The Happiness Handbook” is just about ready.  This fall you’ll be able to get it on ipad, Kindle and print on demand!

Yesterday, I just did my very first pre-launch talk about the book at the Raise My Vibes workshop.  We got to do 3 exercises for the book, including taking a crack at your own Happy Dance!  And the men in the room verified that the Happy Dance does indeed give the right positive reinforcement for happy making events they provide!

In the spirit of shameless self promotion…check out the new article about moi at The Glass Hammer .

I got placed in the “extraordinary life” section, how cool is that!?

Please go check it out and remember…leave comments…good ones !
Thanks
Jenn

At the root core, I think this this is what we all want – to be loved by someone else.  We feel important and seen.

The tricky thing is…everyone’s language of love is different.

For example, when I go visiting my folks, I feel loved when we sit down and chat and are focused on one another.  But my mom feels loved by being in the kitchen and cooking up a storm.

Being loving makes her feel loved. But when she does that, I feel bit abandoned I’m not the focus and it’s difficult to focus on her while she’s multi-tasking or I’m helping.

It ever so slightly changes the dynamic and that energetic flow/connection we talked earlier. So, we don’t have the same love language.

It was a great eye opener when we realized this disconnect.

How do you figure out what makes someone feel loved?

Ask them. They’ll give you the right answer.

But remember, with the next person you date…the love language will change so you can’t assume it’s the same (actually, that’s really dangerous territory!). So, you have to ask again.

Subscribe to the RSS feed; next week’s topic: What Women Want – Help With The Mundane Tasks of Daily Life

If you missed it, last week’s topic was:  What Women Want – Connection

Get the full list at:  What Women Want – The List

Image purchased from istockphoto.

With Valentines Day just around the corner here’s a little help with chocolate.

As you may have observed, many woman have a thing for chocolate. Don’t ask, we don’t know why.  Yes, it tastes good but it’s more than that…it feels good.

That said, we can really get in trouble with chocolate. If you buy us a box, we’ll eat it and then we’ll complain for a week about how “fat” we feel.  You know you don’t wanna go down that road.

So, depending on your girl, perhaps try either:

• a smaller box (2-4) or
• Keep the big box well hidden at your place and occasionally treat us with 1-2 tasty snacks.  BUT don’t tell us you are doing this.  There’s a million ways that can go wrong for you!

Two of my favorite chocolatiers:

• Tuescher (the champagne truffles are to die for!)
• The Xocolate Bar (Tell my friend Malena that I sent you!)

Subscribe to the RSS feed; next week’s topic: What Women Want – Love

If you missed it, last week’s topic was:  What Women Want – Connection

Get the full list at:  What Women Want – The List

That’s my 2cents.  Your thoughts?

Jenn

Image purchased from istockphoto.

What is connection?

It’s the invisible path of energy/love/warmth/compassion/good feelings between two people.  Notice the word two people. When you’re in a romantic relationship with a women this is a closed loop.  That’s why some women go all wonky when they sense your energy path of warmth zoom over to another woman.  It’s a closed loop.  We are secure, confident and without worry when it’s a closed loop.  Open the loop, it all goes to hell.  Don’t believe me…try it and see (however, please note that I’m not recommending it!)

What makes a women feel connected with you?

Gosh darn it, it’s gonna be different for each amazing woman.  The biggest tip here is this:

When you first start dating someone:

• Watch what actions you do/words you say that light her up (she’s feeling the most connected to you now.
• Memorize this
• Keep doing those things…especially after you’ve been together awhile

Are there “standard” things that make a woman feel connected?

I’ll start the list, please add in your own observations in the comments.

• Touch.  But be careful, there are two kinds of touch.
  • There’s the type of touch (ex: hand on hand, or shoulder) when you are just sharing warmth or compassion. We can sense that you are giving to us and not asking anything in return.
  • Then there’s the touch that says “yo baby, let’s go get frisky“.  That’s good too but be clear that we know you are wanting something from us, this feels more like you are taking than giving.  On a day that’s been really tough with too much to do, if you start with this type of touch, you’re gonna be disappointed in the end result.
• Conversation. You talk to us, share your day and your feelings.  I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the default for many guys
  but when women talk to other women – it’s the sharing of feelings that make us feel connected.  I’ll talk more about talking and feelings in another blog.
  • By the way, if we have to drag the conversation out of you, you really lose point.  Here’s what that sounds like: “Hi, how was your day?” “Fine” “What did you do today?” “Same ole, same ole” “Did you see your friends?” “Yeah“.  Ok, this…this doesn’t make us feel connected.  It feels like there’s a brick wall between us and our warm energy path of connection is being rejected.
• Laughter, especially when it’s around a shared experience or shared memory. It feels like we’re in an exclusive club because, again, that energy pathway is just between us.
• Being A Team.  This makes us feel like we’re in “it” (life) together, working on shared goals, achieving them and having help and support getting there.

Subscribe to the RSS feed; next week’s topic: The Truth About Chocolate

After that we’ll get back to:  What Women Want – Love

If you missed it, last week’s topic was:  What Women Want – The List

Anything else you’d add to the list?

Jenn

Image purchased from istockphoto.

Before you get to excited about the great mystery of the world being revealed here, it must be said that every woman has her own list of what she wants.

But here’s a start at a couple common threads that weave through us sassy chics.

What Women Want

• Connection
• Love
• Help (with the mundane daily life tasks)
• Respect
• To feel beautiful, sexy and smart in your eyes

Ok, let’s start with this list and explore each of these in more detail and define what each concept means.

Subscribe to the RSS feed; next week’s topic: What Women Want – Connection

If you missed it, last week’s topic was: Dos and Don’ts for Ending The First Date

Anything else you’d add to the list?

Jenn

At some point the first date comes to an end and you’ve got two options:

• It went well and you really want to see her again
• It was a disaster (or she didn’t meet your criteria) and you want to avoid her at all costs

Here’s a couple dos and don’ts for wrapping up the date.

It Went Well

• Thank her for a nice time
• Tell her you want to see her again AND you can even say “Does next Friday work for you?”
  • If she says yes, the date actually did go well
  • If she stalls, it might not have gone as well as you thought
• What about physical contact?  (Let’s assume this is the “not a one night stand” option).
  • “Always leave them wanting more” is great advice.  So, you could do the handshake and long gaze, or a really gentle lip kiss (the kind that shows you have mastery over the nuances of this art form).
  • Safe options: handshake, light kiss on cheek, gentle embrace
  • If you haven’t had physical contact during the date, this probably isn’t the time to start.

It Was A Disaster

• Thank her for the date
• DON”T say you’ll call her if you’re not. We believe you and if we liked you, we use a lot of energy being excited and in anticipation of your call.  Then it’s a huge let down when we finally get it that you’re not calling.  It’s evil, don’t do, be honest.
• Be straight. It hurts like a band aid being ripped off and we may even hate you for awhile, but at least we know where we stand. “Thanks for the date, but our dating goals just aren’t in sync. Good night.”  Ok, that’s a tad abrupt but you get the idea.

Got any other Dos and Don’ts to add?

Subscribe to the RSS feed; next week’s topic: What Women Want

If you missed it, last week’s topic was:  Before The First Date

Jenn

Images purchased from istockphoto.

Dating is like shopping for cantaloupe.  You pick it up, inhale it’s fragrance, give it a little touch, tap it and decide “this isn’t the one”. Then you repeat.

Why did you put the cantaloupe back? Whether you were aware of it or not, you had criteria.  All your senses were checking it out to see if it was ripe…I mean, right for you.

Your dating can go more smoothly toward your goal if you consider 4 things first:

1. What’s your dating goal?
2. How much sex do you need to be your best?
3. What are your deal breakers?
4. What are you looking for?

What’s Your Dating Goal?

Why are you dating?  For the most part we girls find this out, the next day when you don’t call.  That’s kind of evil.  So what if you were frank about what you were looking for and we could see if it matches what we’re after rather than feeling crappy, embarrassed, stupid etc the next day.  (No matter how great the sex was the night before, if we think you’re going to call again and you don’t…it turns the whole thing into a bad thing.  So, are you looking for:

1. A little sex (one nighter)
2. A no stings attached, let’s hang out from time to time…and have sex
3. A long term deal

Should you really say it if you’re just looking for a one nighter?  I think so..cuz sometimes we are too

How Much Sex Do You Need To Be Your Best?

What?  Why would you say that?  If you’re looking for more than a one nighter, it’s good to find out before you’re signing divorce papers that your libedos are not in sync.  One way or another someone’s gonna get frustrated…and then resentful.

What Are Your Deal Breakers?

These are the things you won’t compromise on. Figure them out and then ASK first or on the first date.  Do you want:

• A non-smoker?
• 420 friendly?
• STD free?
• Kids/no kids?

Whatever it is, it’s better to get this sorted earlier rather than once you’re attached to each other and the deal breaking behavior is now pushing your buttons.

What Are You Looking For?

I have to say, if I were writing this list for women, I would have led with this one. But my understanding is that you guys…lead with the other stuff!

So, what do you want in a woman? Of course you’ll have her physical characteristics on the list.  But what other things are must haves?

• Likes/watches/plays/loathes sports
• Reads Wall Street Journal/Time/People
• Likes/hates chic flix
• Sense of humor that matches yours/laughs (appropriately) at your stories/tells jokes
• Religious/spiritual/agnostic

You get the idea.  Build your list because Kevin Costner taught us all that if you build it, they will come.

Summary

Basically, think with your brain while it’s still capable of rational thought.  We’ll enjoy the ride a lot more if we know what playing field we’re on.

Your thoughts?

Subscribe to the RSS feed; next week’s topic:  Dos and Don’ts for Ending The First Date

Adapted from In Sync With The Opposite Sex

Image purchased from istockphoto.

I’m a rather calm, grounded, happy … even sparkly…. person.  So, when people find out about “my road”, they usually can’t believe it.  Not in the “no, you’re lying way” but in the “you’ve got to be kidding, I would have never guessed way”.

So, they wanna know how I did it. How I “turned out so normal” after…let’s just keep kindly referring to it as “my road”.

Well, “gentle reader”, there is no Rx for healing. Each person has their own healing language that works for them.  The trick is to just start.  Pay attention to what you are drawn to – a book, a class, a form of spirituality/meditation/prayer.  Maybe it doesn’t wind up being “it” or a cure-all for you but it will probably lead you to the next thing.

I’ve got a saying on my fridge that says “What if the next step is a leap of faith?” – Oh gosh, I can’t express enough how much I hate that!!! <insert wobbly giggle here> I want to see/feel/hear/taste/touch/sense the next stepping stone before leaping. I’m not a fan of “splat” and I’ve got huge “trust” issues in god/the universe/whatever…because of “the road”.

So, each leap of faith, is done while shaking…(or convulsing) and having to trust god/the universe/whatever to provide a decent landing spot.  Cuz frankly, although pain and sorrow have been quite the fertile muse…I’m willing to be mused in another way now…thank you very much.

lalala, rambling a bit here, sorry.  So, at the back of The Happiness Handbook is a whole list of resources that worked for me, one at a time throughout the whole journey thus far.  But if I had to give the top 3, I’d recommend that you check out.

• Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain
• The movie, The Secret
• The Energy Management Curriculum (online) by Aimee Lyndon-Adams

The linking concept in each of these resources is that our minds are a very powerful tool. We don’t need to be at the “effect” of the crap that happens to us, we can “cause” or co-create the reality we want…it may take awhile, but we can do.

Oh, and as you saw in my recent alanon blog, a 12 step program has a certain perspective into a person’s behavior that may work too.

So, to those in the midst of “the dark night” – the pain is a guide, get support and above all…you can do it. After every night, there is a dawn and a new day.  (And…once you get through your first dark night…the others are easier to handle – what!? other dark nights?  There’s not just one?  Jenn, what the?????

Ahh, dear “gentle reader”, no one knows what lies ahead on the road – we only know that our “emergency kit” in the trunk keeps gaining tools!

To a lighter heart, and a warm loving smile on all our faces,

j.

You know, some days it’s just weird having a blog and a book about happiness when…I’m not.

We’re working on a CD called Excavation in Urban Fiction; mining our old emotional baggage and finding that sorrow is an ironic muse.  So, of course in “excavation” some of this old stuff, it’s rich, it’s interesting…but not necessarily happy. – When we win the grammy for it, I reserve the right to change my mind!

Anyway, I digress from the blog title.  Awhile back, my best friend came over and said they had gotten themselves into a pickle and needed to detox.  I’ve been through crap and back, I’m healthy and have a healing vibe in my home so could they detox at my place?  We discussed it for days and looked into what the symptoms we could expect to emerge, what support there was for my friend and for me.

In the end, it came down to looking at what my own answers were to “what makes me happy” in my book.  Would my friend come out of this healthy but would I wind up crazy unhappy?

It was a very heavy decision, since I love this person with my big open heart and being from Minnesota, kinda used to just always helping!  But having the clarity from my book, it was with a heavy heart that I said “no”.

My friend checked into rehab and I checked out alanon. Thank goodness that I’d actually done my book!  By me knowing what makes me happy and using that to set my boundaries, I actually made a healthy decision for both of us.

Happy now?  Ahh, no…not really.  I’m looking at myself through the lense of alanon and there’s some behaviors I have had in the past that…sting.  But in the immortal words of Scarlett, “tommorrow is another day”!

Grateful now?  Absolutely, positively!  Check out what I’m grateful for this Thanksgiving.

wistfully,

j.

PS – oh, my friend is awesome and inspiring and doing really well!! Yeah, happy dance

Isn’t it weird how a person can both be happy and unhappy at the same time!